Tired Boy

I found it a very odd experience to have someone come into my home and perform tasks for me because I'm 'unable' to do them. I put 'unable' in inverted commas to reflect that I feel, in doubting moments, that I could do them if I really put my mind to it. But I have tried and know that I can't successfully do housework, chop vegetables, etc. Even when I am feeling particularly well, I quickly become befuddled/exhausted when performing such tasks.

I found it very stressful to have someone come and help me in this way, mainly because I imagined him looking at me and thinking 'There's nothing wrong with him; he's a shirker'. This made me feel that I had to display how unwell and incapable I was, and actually made me feel very ill at the time. It was also difficult explaining what I wanted done, how I wanted it done, and where things were kept, etc. And of course things weren't done in exactly the way I would have done them – the way he chopped leeks was more woodsman than chef! – but they were done, and this was a wonderful feeling. After he left I saw the pile of chopped leeks and potatoes I'd asked him to prepare so I could make soup, and the possibilities this afforded me have me a burst of energy, so I cracked straight on with making the soup. And it was delicious. I was also able to go to sleep between fresh sheets that night, which was a joy. The one thing which helped me to accept the help was that he was willing, friendly and completely non-judgemental of me. I'm hopeful that as I get more used to him being around, and we work out between us what jobs he feels able to do, that my home might start to feel a far more pleasant, and healthy, place to be again. He's coming for an initial six weeks, after which it will be reassessed by social services.

My meeting with the OT was also very encouraging. She was incredibly friendly and enthusiastic, to the point of saying 'I'm so pleased you could come. I'm really looking forward to working with you' when I arrived, which encouraged me that this could really help me. I haven't quite 'got' what she'll be able to offer me yet, but it seems that she'll be able to help me look at new approaches to many areas which have caused me difficulty, including ways to approach things which might lead towards eventual return to work, a prospect which feels both daunting and a million miles away. Also how I can rearrange my life and energies to give me time and space for hobbies and other things I enjoy.

So, good things at the moment.

I was expecting to be giving an account of what it's like to have a carer come in and help me with things I find difficult to do, but they didn't turn up. I had an assessment with the local social services department a couple of weeks ago, and had been advised not to expect any help to come from it as budgets are tight and apparently they try and find any reason possible not to provide support, but amazingly I was offered a care plan and it was to start immediately (I actually had to delay it by a week as I was going away). They've arranged for someone to come to my home three times per week for an hour per time, to do any tasks I'm struggling with. It was difficult to think of things to put on the list, especially as it's not in my nature to ask for help, particularly with things I feel I 'should' be able to do, but with my mother's help I made a list and can now look at it and see how many things there are which I do find myself unable to do these days. And that was only a list of the things we felt a carer might be able to tackle in the hour they were here.