I have continued to feel pretty well overall, and to enjoy life in my new home, but my sleep has continued to be fairly abysmal since about two months ago. Much of the time I would spend 4 to 6 hours trying to get to sleep, even after trying various relaxation techniques; more recently I will get off to sleep in perhaps an hour or two, but then wake several hours before I wanted to, in spite of the sleep medication I’m currently taking. For example, last night I settled at about 11, after taking a temazepam and reading for a while, and drifted off by about 12.30. But I then woke at 4.30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. (I did eventually get an hour or so’s dozing from about 8–9.)

I have identified a state of being in which I currently seem to be stuck: my body and mind seem to be on constant alert. I’d call it ‘physiological anxiety’; physiological because as far as I can ascertain (and I’ve wracked my brains) there is nothing about which I am anxious; it’s just that my body’s in the state it gets in when one is anxious about something. I’ve felt symptoms like those of panic attacks (dizzyness, nausea, shortness of breath, pounding heart) but I find that they come even when I’m at rest, and I even find that I wake up in that state (which isn’t pleasant).

I went to the doctor again yesterday, but saw a locum as my GP was away. He was sympathetic and understanding but advised me to wait and see. Unfortunately it has got to the stage where it is affecting my quite badly in other areas: my concentration is right down, and I’ve noticed sexual dysfunction (difficulty maintaining an erection or reaching orgasm). This is somewhat ironic as I’ve just started a new sexual relationship in the past couple of weeks, which is wonderful in all other ways, and while this isn’t a problem as such (she’s being very understanding), it is annoying.

I had noticed how since getting CFS (7 years ago, now) I had never had a single cold, when prior to getting the illness I used to have them regularly each winter, sometimes several in one winter. I thought this was odd, paradoxical, although very welcome.

Someone I knew a few years ago gave an interesting perspective on this: she explained that this was likely to be because my immune system was not up to scratch, and therefore was not fighting off these viruses effectively. Apparently it is the body’s act of fighting a virus which produces the symptoms of a viral illness rather than the presence of the virus itself.

When I reflected on this, I realised that I did have periods, often when there was a bug going around, in which I felt unaccountably rubbish for weeks, sometimes months, on end. So it does seem that in my case, viral illness would present in this way, rather than with the classic symptoms. This was the first evidence I had that my immune system was not working properly, which is considered by many to be a part of the CFS spectrum.

Since moving to the countryside in November, I have been extremely well. The only blips have been on two occasions when I caught bugs from my young niece and nephew (one of the hazards of living closer to family!). The first time, in the new year, I was laid out for just over a month in the way described above – no real symptoms, just feeling utterly spent. The second time, last month, I actually got the classic cold symptoms – sore throat, streaming nose, cough, etc. I was delighted to have caught a cold! It suggests that my immune system is currently in better health than it has been for years. Apart from the wooziness brought on to anyone by a cold, I didn’t feel particularly bad. And the symptoms cleared up in about a week and a half – far better than the month plus I would have expected to have been laid low beforehand.