Still very unwell, and in fact this week I’m feeling worse than I have done for a while. Feels viral again, although I’ve hardly been in contact with anyone so it’s unlikely to be a virus. Shaky, wobbly, hot-headed, faint, dizzy. Blah. I’m at a bit of a loss as to why I’m not improving. I felt a little better over the weekend, and was able to get outside and do a couple of useful jobs, eg clean the sink – for the first time in months – and thought I might be on the way up at last, but yesterday I felt truly dreadful and could hardly make it out of bed. I’m sure I didn’t overdo it over the weekend, so I don’t think how I’m feeling now is self-inflicted.

I am trying to focus on rest and relaxation, although I do find this very difficult to do, for two reasons: one, because it’s quite a measure of self-discipline to build it into the day and to remember to do it; and two, because when I feel this bad I tend to get by partly by distracting myself by doing other things – reading, watching TV, piddling around on the computer, and so on – and to stop and rest feels as though it is focusing on how I’m feeling and the situation I’m in, which is exactly what I want to avoid. However, in reality this doesn’t always happen, and a period of rest does usually help me find some energy and get through the day. At the moment I’m trying to think of rest periods as an activity which I can do to help me to be able to do other activities, rather than in a negative way, as something which I have to do because I feel so unwell. I’ve made a concerted effort again today, and have actually managed to do two periods of relaxation already today; I’m aiming for four.

As soon as I’m mobile enough I’m going to book to see my GP to talk this through. I’ll ask if the nurse there with the interest in CBT will be willing to see me occasionally.
This relapse has meant that I’ve hardly been able to see my lover in recent weeks. I’m not able to go to see her, and she has been tied up with family events over recent weekends and so has been unable to come here. This has been difficult at times because we’ve been used to spending a lot of time together, but we’re getting used to a different form of relationship. She has been very supportive all the way through this, and I hope she’ll be able to get here this coming weekend and that I’ll be well enough after that to visit her and take her out somewhere.
This late burst of warm sunny weather has been a boon – I was wishing for exactly this a few weeks ago. Not much sun gets into my garden these days, and I’ve not been well enough on some days to sit in it in any case, but on days when I have managed to get some sun onto my skin it has been blissful.