Tired Boy

Tired Boyhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/A forum for musings on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (aka CFS/ME) and related matters.en-UKMokoFeed10Tired Boyhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/3d/8c1a5ea151bca0aa0bab85df79edec_160x200.jpgThings still very badhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/things-still-very-bad-7326369/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-11-07:/2009/11/07/things-still-very-bad-7326369/Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:04:55 +0100 <p><span><span><span>I’m still continuing at a very low level of functioning. Able to do very little: some TV, occasional reading, and that’s about it. I managed to do some washing up yesterday (big cheer) and managed to get to the local shop this morning for a few essentials, but that’s about it. My sleep is also affected again, which is just making things harder.</span></span></span></p> <dl> <dt> <span><span></span></span></dt> <dt><span><span><span>It really is maddening and depressing, or at least very frustrating. I’m desperate to get out of this situation, but I don’t know how. And my mind just isn’t working at the level I need to think this through and find possible solutions. I really do feel stuck and don’t know where to go at the moment.</span></span></span></dt> </dl> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/things-still-very-bad-7326369/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfscfs-symptomschronic-fatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromecfsmesleepcognitive-dysfunctionrelapsefatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/things-still-very-bad-7326369/#commentsSo, when's it going to get better?http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/so-when-s-it-going-to-get-better-7217321/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-10-21:/2009/10/21/so-when-s-it-going-to-get-better-7217321/Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:39:28 +0200 <p><span><span><span>This relapse has been going solid for a year now, and recently it’s got even worse. At the moment I can’t get out of the house most days – I did manage a trip into town last week for essential supplies, but that has laid me up since – in fact, most days it is as much as I can do to get dressed, flop on the sofa and watch rubbish TV, maybe read a bit if I’m not feeling so bad, and make myself a bite to eat (as in ‘heat up a ready meal’) twice a day. This is getting really distressing, and I can’t see an end to it at the moment. I do believe that I will get better – I’ve been through this cycle before, but not for so long and so badly, so it is difficult to believe it in experience at the moment. My sister popped round this morning to take me to a garden centre for a cup of coffee and a chat, but even that proved too much for me – by the time I’d walked the 20 yards to her car I was exhausted, and I couldn’t cope with conversation – hard to take in what she was saying, and keep up with the pace, and lots of things she said upset me. This is something else which kicks in when symptoms are really bad, emotional lability, so that you can’t control how you feel, don’t know how you’re going to feel from one moment to the next, and get upset about all sorts of things. I remember once I was leant a DVD boxed set of the Blue Planet, the David Attenborough series about the seas, to while away the hours I was stuck on the sofa, but I had to switch it off because seeing fish being eaten was making me cry. And that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day, but I don’t have the strength to actually cry, plus I’ve got nothing really to cry about, it’s just a formless feeling inside me. Have just had a quick chat with my lover – even that was difficult because it’s difficult to hold conversation, I can’t think of things to say and can’t express the things I do want to say or how I feel, but she is being amazingly understanding, and it was lovely just to hear her voice for a few minutes. Oh, I do hope this relapse starts to lift very soon, I’m struggling to keep going at the moment.</span></span></span></p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/so-when-s-it-going-to-get-better-7217321/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfs-symptomsrelapsechronic-fatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromecfscfsmefatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/so-when-s-it-going-to-get-better-7217321/#commentsWhere's that light at the end of the tunnel?http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/where-s-that-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-7063489/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-09-29:/2009/09/29/where-s-that-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-7063489/Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:06:33 +0200 <p><span><span><span>Still very unwell, and in fact this week I’m feeling worse than I have done for a while. Feels viral again, although I’ve hardly been in contact with anyone so it’s unlikely to be a virus. Shaky, wobbly, hot-headed, faint, dizzy. Blah. I’m at a bit of a loss as to why I’m not improving. I felt a little better over the weekend, and was able to get outside and do a couple of useful jobs, eg clean the sink – for the first time in months – and thought I might be on the way up at last, but yesterday I felt truly dreadful and could hardly make it out of bed. I’m sure I didn’t overdo it over the weekend, so I don’t think how I’m feeling now is self-inflicted.<br></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>I am trying to focus on rest and relaxation, although I do find this very difficult to do, for two reasons: one, because it’s quite a measure of self-discipline to build it into the day and to remember to do it; and two, because when I feel this bad I tend to get by partly by distracting myself by doing other things – reading, watching TV, piddling around on the computer, and so on – and to stop and rest feels as though it is focusing on how I’m feeling and the situation I’m in, which is exactly what I want to avoid. However, in reality this doesn’t always happen, and a period of rest does usually help me find some energy and get through the day. At the moment I’m trying to think of rest periods as an activity which I can do to help me to be able to do other activities, rather than in a negative way, as something which I <em>have to</em> do because I feel so unwell. I’ve made a concerted effort again today, and have actually managed to do two periods of relaxation already today; I’m aiming for four.</span></span></span></p> <dl> <dt><span><span><span>As soon as I’m mobile enough I’m going to book to see my GP to talk this through. I’ll ask if the nurse there with the interest in CBT will be willing to see me occasionally.</span></span></span></dt> <dt> <span><span><br></span></span> </dt> <dt><span><span><span>This relapse has meant that I’ve hardly been able to see my lover in recent weeks. I’m not able to go to see her, and she has been tied up with family events over recent weekends and so has been unable to come here. This has been difficult at times because we’ve been used to spending a lot of time together, but we’re getting used to a different form of relationship. She has been very supportive all the way through this, and I hope she’ll be able to get here this coming weekend and that I’ll be well enough after that to visit her and take her out somewhere.</span></span></span></dt> <dt> <span><span><br></span></span> </dt> <dt><span><span><span>This late burst of warm sunny weather has been a boon – I was wishing for exactly this a few weeks ago. Not much sun gets into my garden these days, and I’ve not been well enough on some days to sit in it in any case, but on days when I have managed to get some sun onto my skin it has been blissful.</span></span></span></dt> </dl> <p><span><span><br></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/where-s-that-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-7063489/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfs-symptomsrelapsechronic-fatiguecfsmechronic-fatigue-syndromeliving-environmentcfsfatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/where-s-that-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-7063489/#commentsKeep on keepin' onhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/20/keep-on-keepin-on-7004105/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-09-20:/2009/09/20/keep-on-keepin-on-7004105/Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:58:38 +0200 <p><span>It's now been over ten months since my last relapse; this has been the longest relapse I've had in the eight-and-a-half years since I first got CFS.</span></p> <p><span>I'm still struggling with everyday tasks, and have little energy to spare for other activities. It's been a long time since I was able to get stuck into writing, and seeing friends, family and my lover has been curtailed to a greater or lesser degree. I'm often asked why this relapse happened, or what might make it better, and the simple answer is that I don't know. Sometimes there might be some stressful event which precipitates a relapse, but I can't see that anything obvious set me back this time. I was a lot more active last summer, but it doesn't feel as though I actually overdid it - it all felt managable. Likewise, it's never really clear what it is that sparks a recovery from a relapse: often I simply feel unaccountably better on one day and then improve after that. It can even be that 'overdoing it' on one particular day, which would usually leave me laid up, instead makes me feel a lot better. The trouble is that this is not a science and there's no way of knowing which day is the 'right' one to overdo it and therefore improve rather than dip further. </span><span>It is still an awful lot better being ill in my current home in the country than it was in the city.</span></p> <p><span>One thing I really do want to focus on is regular periods of rest and relaxation. This was stressed as the key to management of the disease, if not actual recovery, at the hospital course I attended earlier this year. I have at times noticed a difference after a short, focused rest and relaxation, and feel that it is important for me to build this into my daily routine. However I find it extremely difficult, especially</span><span> - ironically - </span><span> when I am more ill, to do this. I'm not sure how best to work on this, but I thought recently that finding a way to look differently at rests - as an activity to enable me to do more activity, a bit like taking an energy pill, rather than as something which gets in the way of me doing other things - would help. A form of CBT, which is something I've not used that much in a conscious way. I've not managed to change my way of thinking on this yet, though, and still find it difficult to take even one rest during the day.<br></span></p> <p><span>One possible positive is that, when recently I injured my foot, the nurse who treated it at my GP practice has an interest in CFS and has done training in CBT. She was very keen to talk to me about managing my illness, and in the end we talked for over half an hour. I'm hoping that she'll be willing to see me occasionally to continue this, as it would be really good to have some ongoing support.<br></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/20/keep-on-keepin-on-7004105/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsrelapsecfs-symptomschronic-fatigue-syndromefatigueliving-environmentcfsmechronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/09/20/keep-on-keepin-on-7004105/#commentsPhew....http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/08/20/phew-6765692/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-08-20:/2009/08/20/phew-6765692/Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:16:31 +0200 <p><span><span>Still pretty fagged out most of the time. Am managing to get a few things done, now and then, but concentration is still low and my muscles hurt more than I have noticed before. The days pass me by... At least I've been able to be in beautiful surroundings outdoors on warm, sunny days - when I've been feeling well enough to be in the sun - and have had a summer of Ashes cricket to keep me engaged.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/08/20/phew-6765692/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfschronic-fatigue-syndromecfsmeliving-environmentfatiguecfs-symptomschronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/08/20/phew-6765692/#commentsGetting the bughttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/07/18/getting-the-bug-6539361/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-07-18:/2009/07/18/getting-the-bug-6539361/Sat, 18 Jul 2009 13:24:52 +0200 <p><span><span>I’ve gone down with another bug. I had quite severe viral symptoms for a week about four weeks ago, which subsided a bit, but I am unwell again. The symptoms are slightly different, so it might be a different bug, or it might be a resurfacing of what I have before. I’ve noticed that before, that if I get some symptoms of a bug they can bump along for weeks and weeks, which I think is a sign that my immune system is not up to par. However, at other times, I noticed that I never seemed to get any bug that was going around. Someone pointed out to me that this is a symptom of a highly compromised immune system, as the symptoms of a bug – temperature, sore throat, runny nose, etc – occur in fact when the immune system is dealing with and overcoming the virus. As my immune system wasn’t doing this, I wasn’t experiencing these symptoms, and instead just felt utterly washed out for months on end, which I had thought were a relapse of CFS symptoms. So, I am glad to get some viral symptoms now – although of course I’d rather avoid viruses completely – as it indicates that my immune system is performing better now, since I moved to the country, than it was before.<br><span><br><span>However, it is a major bore to be laid low for so long, and I have battled with low mood at some times. This hasn’t become as overwhelming as it has in earlier times, which I take as another positive. And the environment I’m in continues to buoy me – it is light, airy, quiet, and my garden is starting to produce tasty food for me. My lover is coming to see me for the weekend; I wasn’t able to get to visit her this week for my birthday – I was lying on my sofa, moaning instead – and it’ll be lovely to see her. The way she has dealt with such acceptance with my fluctuating health, and the fact that for long periods of time I’m able to do little with her and don’t feel I’m that great company, has been a boost for my morale. She is incredibly easy company and never really increases my stress levels. I feel I’m very lucky to have her around.</span></span> <br><span><br> <span>At the moment I’m enjoying the cricket – the Ashes series – and trying to look after myself so I will hopefully be back in better form soon. It has been difficult to sleep properly, which has run me down more. This is something I need to crack.</span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/07/18/getting-the-bug-6539361/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>living-environmentchronic-fatiguecfssleepfatiguerelapsechronic-fatigue-syndromecfs-symptomscfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/07/18/getting-the-bug-6539361/#comments2009 so far...http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/2009-so-far-6333075/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-06-18:/2009/06/18/2009-so-far-6333075/Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:29:27 +0200 <p><span><span>A quick summation of the past six months, since I last managed to post. After reaching a point in September where I felt reliably well enough to consider approaching a return to work again, and did contact the local job centre to put this in motion, I suffered a severe relapse at the beginning of November (see previous post).</p> <p>It has only been in the past month or so that I’ve started to recover from this. This process has been slow, and I’m still only at a percentage of the strength and energy I had before the relapse. In fact, I planned to go into town to try and get my hair cut today, but my legs are very shaky, so I don’t think I’m going to make it. It was the first relapse of that length and severity I had had for several years, and it was useful to analyse my experience of it and to compare it with earlier episodes. Although, of course, I didn’t enjoy it – the experience is awful moment-by-moment, when you feel constantly overwhelmed by sensory data and pains in your body, and can neither stay fully conscious nor sleep properly – and it was extremely frustrating to be so set back after I had been improving so well and so steadily, I didn’t get as despondent about it as I had previously. I put this down partly to what I have learned over the past few years about the cyclical nature of this illness – so that, even though it was very hard to see where an end to this relapse would come from, I could more effectively convince myself that it was a question of when rather than if. The other part I put down to the change in my physical circumstances – particularly where I now live. The days – weeks, months – during which I was stuck in my home were less oppressive because I was actually happy to be in the place I was in: not stuck in a flat with a grey view and constant intrusive ambient noise, but in a quiet home in which whatever light was around flooded in, there were always pleasant views out of the windows, front and back, and the main ambient noise was warbling bird song. In addition, if I felt up to walking a few steps, I could get out of either my front or back door to get some fresh air and be in a pleasant, green environment. I have come to realise how important this has been to me since I moved here.</p> <p>Creativity has of course been curtailed to a great extent during this period, but it has amazed me how I am sometimes able to write when I cannot even begin to do something usually considered much simpler, eg understand and deal with a straightforward utility bill. It just shows how different areas of the brain are differently affected by CFS.</p> <p>My sister and mother have been great supports when I have needed it, and being nearer to both of them has been valuable in that way as well as from the social contact with family members. My lover has also been a wonderful support: very understanding, encouraging me to rest and to be active in about the right proportions, even when my perspective on how much I can do has been skewed; also showing no signs of minding that I am unable to do much – sometimes, even to converse – when we are together; and even not minding doing more of her share of chores – shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc – when we’ve been together.</p> <p>That relationship has really taken me by surprise. What I saw as no more than a bit of uncomplicated fun has blossomed into an incredibly important relationship to me, and one which has had its own positive effect on my health as well as being good for ego and soul. A real soul mate, to use the cliché. She’s been such easy company, and has really never added to my stress levels even when I’ve been feeling at my worst – when I generally find it hard to be around people for more than short lengths of time, and tend to be more irritable. We’ve not even managed to have an argument yet, and last month we celebrated a year since we started seeing each other. Even better, she’s now moved to the south coast and is only two and a half hours away, rather than six or more as previously. Last weekend I had my first trip away from home since I relapsed, to see her in her new flat. The journey was so much easier than it used to be, and it was a great boost to my confidence that I managed it without incident or setback. We had to postpone a few things I had planned to do – eg to take her out to dinner on her birthday – because I’ve still not got that much energy, but I got there, had a lovely time, and got back without any serious problems.</p> <p>During the spring I also attended a CFS treatment group at a local hospital, and I’ll write about that next time.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/2009-so-far-6333075/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>living-environmentcfs-symptomscfsmecreativitychronic-fatiguecognitive-dysfunctionfatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromerelapsecfshttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/2009-so-far-6333075/#commentsThe long and winding roadhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/04/12/the-long-and-winding-road-5933663/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-04-12:/2009/04/12/the-long-and-winding-road-5933663/Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:45:33 +0200 <p><span>Still in the midst of a major relapse. I <em>think</em> I'm on the upslope now, and will have much to say about the past few months when I'm feeling a little stronger.</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/04/12/the-long-and-winding-road-5933663/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromefatiguerelapsecfsmecfs-symptomscfshttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/04/12/the-long-and-winding-road-5933663/#commentsStill not so goodhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/02/01/still-not-so-good-5487399/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2009-02-01:/2009/02/01/still-not-so-good-5487399/Sun, 01 Feb 2009 18:17:23 +0100 <p>Have continued to be in pretty poor health, since the beginning of November, so haven't been up to posting more blog entries. Will come back to it when things improve somewhat.</p> <p>Hope this finds you well.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/02/01/still-not-so-good-5487399/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>relapsechronic-fatiguecfsmecfschronic-fatigue-syndromecfs-symptomsfatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2009/02/01/still-not-so-good-5487399/#commentsI've been away; did you miss me?http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/12/23/i-ve-been-away-did-you-miss-me-5264530/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-12-23:/2008/12/23/i-ve-been-away-did-you-miss-me-5264530/Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:22:53 +0100 <p>Haven't posted for six months, because I've been busy and have also been so well, on the whole, that CFS and this blog have been far from my mind. Which has been great. Have spent a lot of time over the past six months with my lover, which has been just wonderful and quite a change for me.</p> <p>About six weeks ago, however, I went rapidly downhill, and have been extremely unwell since then. I think this is because I caught the bug that's doing the rounds, and it seems that my immune system is not currently as strong as it had been earlier this year, so I have been feeling the symptoms of CFS rather than of the bug. But as it is (I think) caused by the bug rather than being a relapse for any other reason, I've not been too worried about it.</p> <p>My sleep has continued to be a major problem. I'm still suffering badly from insomnia, and lie awake for hours with my body itching, aching, throbbing etc. The sleep I get tends not to be refreshing. This seems like a last bastion; if I can find a way to conquer it, it should help me move towards better health in the long term.</p> <p>It has been quite a shock to the system to be so limited again, after such a sustained period of good health and activity. I've been confined to my house for the past few weeks, bar one day last week when my mother came over and took me for a drive through the countryside, which was invigorating and refreshing. I was feeling a bit stronger yesterday and managed to go for a walk around the block, but again today my knees feel extremely wobbly, and I'm not sure I'll make it out at all. Will try in half an hour or so.</p> <p>I had got to the point just before this happened where I had been feeling well enough for long enough that I was confident enough to start making enquiries about getting back to work. I hope I'll be able to achieve this in the new year, once I've got over this bout of ill health.</p> <p>I'll aim to come back to this blog more regularly now, and muse on some of the issues and questions CFS brings, some of which I’ve raised before. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/12/23/i-ve-been-away-did-you-miss-me-5264530/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatiguerelapsecfscfs-symptomscfsmesleepfatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/12/23/i-ve-been-away-did-you-miss-me-5264530/#commentsJust a quick updatehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/just-a-quick-update-4796075/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-09-29:/2008/09/29/just-a-quick-update-4796075/Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:40:22 +0200 <p>I haven't posted for a while as I've been pretty busy with various things and have, on the whole, been in pretty good health. Once my focus isn't so much on other things, I'll start posting again.</p> <p>Hope this finds you all well.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/just-a-quick-update-4796075/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatiguecfsmefatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromecfshttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/09/29/just-a-quick-update-4796075/#commentsSo little time, so much to do...http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/06/26/so-little-time-so-much-to-do-4366705/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-06-26:/2008/06/26/so-little-time-so-much-to-do-4366705/Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:37:39 +0200 <p>The past few weeks have been extraordinary. I have been more active than for several years, and I have also been travelling more than I have done for a long time. The main reason for this is that I have taken a lover, which has been just wonderful. Always a good boost to a flagging spirit, but we have developed a real rapport as well, and it’s been really good to have someone I can talk to about just about anything. It’s the first time I’ve been in a sexual relationship for 3 years, and I have found difficulty maintaining erection and orgasm, but I’m working with my GP to see if we can discover what the cause of that is. It does seem to link closely with my sleep – when I am rested and relaxed things are much better than when I’ve not been sleeping and am therefore tense. Symptoms of CFS seem to relate to this too: when my system is in the state I described previously as ‘physiological anxiety’ it is difficult to become physiologically aroused. Anyway, this is all fascinating stuff, but I don’t want to frighten my more sensitive readers, so I’ll leave it there.</p> <p>My lover lives in another part of the country – we met when we were both visiting London a few months ago – so I’ve been travelling up there a few times, visiting other friends too, sometimes – and she’s been down here too. Some visits have been a week or more, yet it’s never felt too long, and we seem to find each other’s company very easy. So we’re both enjoying it as much as possible while it lasts.</p> <p>Another thing which has given me an enormous amount of pleasure – and, I think, contributed to my general sense of well-being at the moment – has been my garden. This has flourished in recent weeks, and I now have a lovely herb garden with ten or more types of edible herb in it, some lovely lettuce, and tomtatoes on the way. I have a few non-edible plants too, but am far more interested in ones which I can use. This week I made a salad with lettuce, loveage, sage, parsley, thyme, marjoram and coriander. A bit over-the-top, taste-wise, but it was lovely to eat something which I had cultivated – the first ever time for me, if you don’t count mustard and cress seeds on the windowsill when I was a child – and which had food miles totalling less than ten feet.</p> <p>Off up north again tomorrow for ten days, should be utterly blissful. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/06/26/so-little-time-so-much-to-do-4366705/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsmecfschronic-fatigue-syndromeliving-environmentsexual-dysfunctionchronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/06/26/so-little-time-so-much-to-do-4366705/#commentsSleep – the continuing problemhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/30/sleep-the-continuing-problem-4247977/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-05-30:/2008/05/30/sleep-the-continuing-problem-4247977/Fri, 30 May 2008 18:00:59 +0200 <p>Apologies for absence – I’ve had internet problems again. Have just managed to sort them out.</p> <p>I have continued to feel pretty well overall, and to enjoy life in my new home, but my sleep has continued to be fairly abysmal since about two months ago. Much of the time I would spend 4 to 6 hours trying to get to sleep, even after trying various relaxation techniques; more recently I will get off to sleep in perhaps an hour or two, but then wake several hours before I wanted to, in spite of the sleep medication I’m currently taking. For example, last night I settled at about 11, after taking a temazepam and reading for a while, and drifted off by about 12.30. But I then woke at 4.30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. (I did eventually get an hour or so’s dozing from about 8–9.)</p> <p>I have identified a state of being in which I currently seem to be stuck: my body and mind seem to be on constant alert. I’d call it ‘physiological anxiety’; physiological because as far as I can ascertain (and I’ve wracked my brains) there is nothing about which I am anxious; it’s just that my body’s in the state it gets in when one is anxious about something. I’ve felt symptoms like those of panic attacks (dizzyness, nausea, shortness of breath, pounding heart) but I find that they come even when I’m at rest, and I even find that I wake up in that state (which isn’t pleasant).</p> <p>I went to the doctor again yesterday, but saw a locum as my GP was away. He was sympathetic and understanding but advised me to wait and see. Unfortunately it has got to the stage where it is affecting my quite badly in other areas: my concentration is right down, and I’ve noticed sexual dysfunction (difficulty maintaining an erection or reaching orgasm). This is somewhat ironic as I’ve just started a new sexual relationship in the past couple of weeks, which is wonderful in all other ways, and while this isn’t a problem as such (she’s being very understanding), it is annoying.</p> <p>More than that, though, I’m keen to identify and deal with the underlying cause, whatever that might be. Does anyone have any experience of this – anxiety without cause/object – and any ideas what I might do to be able to rest and sleep again? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/30/sleep-the-continuing-problem-4247977/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsanxietysleepfatiguecfs-symptomscfsmesexual-dysfunctionchronic-fatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/30/sleep-the-continuing-problem-4247977/#commentsCatch it if you canhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/02/catch-it-if-you-can-4121778/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-05-02:/2008/05/02/catch-it-if-you-can-4121778/Fri, 02 May 2008 10:02:09 +0200 <p>An online conversation with someone else who has CFS yesterday sparked this thought.</p> <p>I had noticed how since getting CFS (7 years ago, now) I had never had a single cold, when prior to getting the illness I used to have them regularly each winter, sometimes several in one winter. I thought this was odd, paradoxical, although very welcome.</p> <p>Someone I knew a few years ago gave an interesting perspective on this: she explained that this was likely to be because my immune system was not up to scratch, and therefore was not fighting off these viruses effectively. Apparently it is the body’s act of fighting a virus which produces the symptoms of a viral illness rather than the presence of the virus itself.</p> <p>When I reflected on this, I realised that I did have periods, often when there was a bug going around, in which I felt unaccountably rubbish for weeks, sometimes months, on end. So it does seem that in my case, viral illness would present in this way, rather than with the classic symptoms. This was the first evidence I had that my immune system was not working properly, which is considered by many to be a part of the CFS spectrum.</p> <p>Since moving to the countryside in November, I have been extremely well. The only blips have been on two occasions when I caught bugs from my young niece and nephew (one of the hazards of living closer to family!). The first time, in the new year, I was laid out for just over a month in the way described above – no real symptoms, just feeling utterly spent. The second time, last month, I actually got the classic cold symptoms – sore throat, streaming nose, cough, etc. I was delighted to have caught a cold! It suggests that my immune system is currently in better health than it has been for years. Apart from the wooziness brought on to anyone by a cold, I didn’t feel particularly bad. And the symptoms cleared up in about a week and a half – far better than the month plus I would have expected to have been laid low beforehand.</p> <p>Does anyone else have a similar experience when it comes to bugs and CFS? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/02/catch-it-if-you-can-4121778/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>immune-dysfunctionchronic-fatiguecfsmecfschronic-fatigue-syndromecfs-symptomsfatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/05/02/catch-it-if-you-can-4121778/#commentsUghhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/ugh-4078191/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-04-22:/2008/04/22/ugh-4078191/Tue, 22 Apr 2008 10:53:21 +0200 <p>I'm still having serious sleep problems - the one thing I've really not had any success in dealing with. I’ve tried a few melatonin capsules over the past few days, given to me by a friend who swears by them, and have got two good nights, but the others have been lamentable. Will have to go to the docs to talk it through again; I’d like to find a solution which doesn’t require me to take any more pills. </p> <p>I’m really pleased at how I’ve borne up, considering how bad my sleep has been, but it is amazing just how debilitating a lack of sleep can be.</p> <p>Just off to the docs now, in fact; I’ve been asked to take a new round of tests in preparation for a referral to the local CFS service here.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/ugh-4078191/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>sleep-problemssleepfatiguecfscfsmechronic-fatiguecfs-symptomschronic-fatigue-syndromehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/22/ugh-4078191/#commentsGetting creativehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/17/getting-creative-4058128/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-04-17:/2008/04/17/getting-creative-4058128/Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:04:06 +0200 <p>Even though my sleep hasn’t been much cop recently and I’m therefore pretty tired, but even so, I’ve been able to do quite a lot of writing over the past week. It’s been wonderful to be able to create, and a good feeling to be productive as well. Although it’s been cold, with the sun out it’s been warm enough to sit out in my courtyard, which is a wonderful atmosphere in which to think and write, and also something I so badly missed when I was in London – my own bit of outdoor space to which I can go even when I’m not feeling that strong. I feel really lucky to have it.</p> <p>I also managed to get to a friend’s stag do in London, and was pleased with the way I handled it – went to the first couple of stages and then came home before things got too late (and boozy). Had a lot of fun, and my friend was delighted that I was able to make it, so it worked out well. <br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/17/getting-creative-4058128/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatigue-syndromecreativityliving-environmentcfscfsmechronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/17/getting-creative-4058128/#commentsThe sun on my facehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/04/the-sun-on-my-face-3995691/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-04-04:/2008/04/04/the-sun-on-my-face-3995691/Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:35:49 +0200 <p>The past few days have been bliss. For the first time since I've been ill, I've been able to sit in my garden and relax in the sun. I knew that having a private outdoor space would affect hugely the way I feel about the place I live, but this week has been the first time I've been able actually to experience what it's like. Even when the weather hasn't been good enough to be outside, having good views from my window - of my private courtyard at the back, and of the scrub land at the front, which no one else uses, so is effectively private - has given me a sense of living in a larger space than that contained by the four walls of my house, whereas the space outside my flat in London came to feel threatening more than anything else. Now that I can actually use the outside space, it has brought a whole new dimension to my experience of this house and environment.<br> <br> Another thing which has brought me joy in the past week has been actually to do some creative writing, for the first time in a couple of years. Predictably, I've not gone back to that poetry book since posting about it a couple of weeks ago, but when I visited a friend with whom I frequently write last week, we shared some ideas for books, and started writing a couple of them. I've been writing the opening of his idea, and he mine, and we'll pass our work on to each other and build it up that way. As I said before, when I'm able to think creatively it makes me feel so much more energetic, and alive. It would be good for me to find ways in which I can do creative work more of the time; for example, since returning, my sleep hasn't been that good, and the tiredness I've felt has made me feel less able to be creative. If I could build up the habit of writing and creating even when feeling less like it, I'm sure I'd be able to write more of the time, and not just when I'm in tippy top shape.</p> <p><br> Anyway, I've heard that we are due some snow at the weekend, so as the sun is out now, I'm going outside.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/04/the-sun-on-my-face-3995691/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>living-environmentcreativitychronic-fatigue-syndromechronic-fatiguecfscfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/04/04/the-sun-on-my-face-3995691/#commentsFeed me!http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/feed-me-3938184/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-03-25:/2008/03/25/feed-me-3938184/Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:23:52 +0100 <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I’ve been in a consuming phase for a few months now – since I moved, really. By this I mean I find it hard to stop myself eating and drinking more than I actually need. I’m snacking quite a lot, and have put on weight. I think this shows I’m not 100% settled in to my new home – I see it as a sign of being not quite comfortable – and also of boredom – as I am spending the majority of my time in one room, it’s a distraction activity. I am slowly increasing the amount of time I spend out of the house, and the weather is starting to perk up as Spring comes on, and I think this combination, along with slowly getting to know more people in the area and having more of a social life, will help me to cut down this consumption. I have put on a fair amount of weight and am not feeling great about my body at the moment. I am really keen to get back on the restrictive diet I’ve talked about before, but the combination of the effort required plus a lack of willpower at the moment is making this difficult to contemplate!</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/feed-me-3938184/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsmeliving-environmentdietchronic-fatigue-syndromecfschronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/feed-me-3938184/#commentsThe creative sparkhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/the-creative-spark-3831059/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-03-07:/2008/03/07/the-creative-spark-3831059/Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:20:35 +0100 <p><span>I’ve written before about how I’ve found it easier to perform creative tasks than analytical ones, and about how being creative, when I’m able to do it, can lift both my spirit and my health state.<br><br>I’ve just started reading a book by Stephen Fry, called <em>The Ode Less Travelled</em> (a bad pun, I know), which is about poetry, and particularly the fact that many people feel intimidated from trying it by its seeming complexity. I’ve been surprised by just how much the first chapters have inspired me to start trying my hand once more at writing some poetry. It’s something I should always have been into, as both language and beauty are so important to me, but I have always felt an unease about trying. Part of this is the fear of failure – of having to write lots of bad poetry as practice for (hopefully) eventually writing some good stuff – but also because of the feeling that I simply don’t know what makes a good or a bad poem. I wrote a couple of poems several years ago, which were written more or less on instinct. A couple of poet friends said some nice things about them, but I really didn’t know what it was which made some parts work, and others not work. This book breaks down the structure of poetry to demystify all this, and I’m finding it a great help and inspiration to get writing again. I’ve also found the first few exercises (writing lines about anything at all in iambic pentameter – and I’ve discovered what that is, into the bargain) far more enjoyable, and less difficult, than I would have expected.<br><br>Given that my energy and strength are limited, writing poetry is something that should fit really well within my capabilities, more so than many other creative pursuits which require more activity, eg painting, playing a musical instrument, and so on. I‘m excited!</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/the-creative-spark-3831059/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>creativitycfschronic-fatigue-syndromechronic-fatiguecognitive-dysfunctioncfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/03/07/the-creative-spark-3831059/#commentsCountry Life (so far)http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/02/23/coutry_life_so_far~3768477/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-02-23:/2008/02/23/coutry_life_so_far~3768477/Sat, 23 Feb 2008 12:16:17 +0100 <p><span>I’ve now been in the countryside for almost three months. Apart from not yet being connected to the internet at home – which is why this blog has been so sparsely populated since November – the move and subsequent settling in went surprisingly well. Last weekend I went back to London for the first time, to catch up with several groups of friends. It was an interesting experience, and I tried actually to feel what it was like being back: did I feel that this was still my home and I never should have left or, conversely, that it was a horrid, noisy, dirty place and how could I ever have lived there? Neither, in fact, although I did feel confirmed in my belief that I have made the right move for me, by leaving, and at the right time. I started off by feeling in overwhelmingly and oddly familiar surroundings. This is the first time I have left a home of many years, and then gone back to it, since I was growing up. I felt a curious mixture of ‘yes, I do belong here; this is what I know’ and feeling different and, in a way, slightly out of the loop. I was consciously aware that I do now live in very different surroundings, and did feel slightly out of place in the city, as thought in fact I no longer do belong there. This sense was strongest by far when I went to my old neighbourhood, and saw things I’ve seen literally hundreds of times, yet saw them in a different way; with both nostalgia and distance. No; I now belong, if anywhere, where I now live, although I have yet to make many social connections here.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>The weekend in London was also a good test-bed for how well I can cope with travel and a busy short break. I’ve not travelled, other than to family homes for short respite breaks, for about three years now, and my last holiday was not a positive experience overall. This has left me rather nervous of travelling: especially the whole airport experience. Here was a chance to have a short city break by train. I had actually packed in a fairly full itinerary: shopping, lunch, haircut, supper, drinks with friends on Friday; meet friends for breakfast, then a full day and evening’s get-together with a disparate group I’ve not seen for ages on Saturday; three meetings on Sunday; and two on Monday before coming home. On reflection I probably tried to pack in one too many activities on each day, and on Saturday ended up drinking far more than I’m able to cope with these days, which took some recovering from; by Monday, I was ready to come straight home, and so missed out on seeing a couple of good friends. Now, five days later, however, I have suffered no set-back in health and can look back on a really enjoyable, and immensely sociable, weekend. I can learn from some of the excesses (at least, I hope I can!) which led to me being over-tired by Monday, and it gives me something to work on in terms of future travel, which is wonderful.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>In my feelings about the difficulties of travel, and in other ways, I had felt I had become a real home-body: needing routine, constancy and locality. I have been amazed how well I have responded to being uprooted to a completely new location, and a completely different environment to boot. I think this was possible because it was my choice to move, and because I waited until I was 100% convinced that I wanted to – was desperate to – make this move. Still, I was apprehensive about how I would respond to my new environment, at least at first. It’s been wonderful how positive I’ve been about it; apart from a short wobble before christmas, I’ve had no real concerns about making connections here; I know I will, eventually, and it’s just a question of going around when I can to places where I can meet people, and biding my time. The monthly book group in the town’s bookshop has been a good place to start. This trip to London acted as a buffer in giving me lots of social contact in one weekend (although it has also given me hunger for more social contact!) but also acted as confirmation that I am truly happy in my new setting, and therefore can be happy to go for a time with less social contact than I’d ideally like just so that I can live in this setting.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>In fact, thinking about it, a friend suggested, some months ago when I was having trouble finding somewhere to live in the town itself, that I could go back to my original plan and rent somewhere out in the countryside for, say, six months before looking again for somewhere in a more built-up area. I had abandoned this idea because of the problems of transport, and concomitant worries about isolation. However, she suggested I treat this time in the countryside as a kind of retreat. I liked the idea of having a sort of enforced retreat as the antidote to the kind of environment I had been experiencing in London. In truth, what I have ended up with is, while not a compromise in any way, the ideal medium: it feels like countryside where I live, but I have the bonus of a frequent bus taking me into the local town (only a mile away) and another bus taking me in 25 minutes to the nearest city (and shopping centre) and the main line to London. Places I had looked at nearer the town all had issues with noise, which was one of the main things driving me from London. Here I can get the quiet I needed, and so can have my retreat when I want it, but have easy access to other people and things to do when I need it, and so do not need to fear isolation.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>The one time at the weekend when I really did feel like I no longer belonged in London was on my last night, when I got up in the night to go to the loo. A small window in the bathroom was open, and the noise – of traffic, sirens, dogs barking and people chatting and shouting – felt shocking and alien to me, whereas only three months ago they were my constant nocturnal companions. The only noise which has woken me up at night has been an owl. This I’m happy to live with.</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/02/23/coutry_life_so_far~3768477/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatiguegraded-exercisecfscfsmeliving-environmentchronic-fatigue-syndromesleepfatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/02/23/coutry_life_so_far~3768477/#commentsInto a new yearhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/into_a_new_year~3570074/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/into_a_new_year~3570074/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:10:39 +0100 <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I wrote this several weeks ago, but have only been able to get on to a computer today - hope it finds you all well. I have had a down patch since the new year due to the amount of things I had been doing over the previous couple of weeks - it is a tough time of year no matter how little one tries to take part in it - and picking up a cold from my sisters' children. This has now passed, I think, so I hope to get back to the strength I had before that pretty quickly.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><br> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>-----------------------------------------------------<br> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><br> I’m spending christmas day with my sister and her family. It’s been lovely to be so close to them – they live only two miles away. I’ve not been close to my family for many years, but over the past few years have made steps to becoming closer with family members, and have felt very positive, although a little apprehensive, about moving so close to some of them physically. The main reason for doing this was so that they could support me at times when I needed help, but I also sensed that moving geographically closer to them would be a good thing to do at this time as part of the process of becoming closer to them relationship-wise. It’s been working well so far.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I’ve been here a month today, and still feel very much that I have made the right choice in moving here. Over the past few days, I have felt twinges of concern about how I’ll get to know people and develop a social network as I’ve not yet had chance to start this process. Having said that, I have made contact with the local camera club – which does seem rather serious and with an average age teetering around 60, although many of the people seemed rather friendly, and I can see it could provide rich material for a writing project! – and have also chatted to a few people in the streets and in shops, which gives me confidence about making friends down here. But much of the time I am on my own, in a way that feels different from when I was in London, I think because if I felt lonely there I could easily call someone or go to see someone (assuming I was well enough, of course), whereas now I can’t do this apart from my sister. It is also less easy to fall out of the door and find something to do. Having said that, I don’t see this necessarily as a down-side; it’s simply something which will take a while to adjust to; and the upsides far outweigh this. The fact that I’ve still not managed to get an internet connection at home has exacerbated this feeling of isolation, as well as being the reason I’ve not updated this blog for so long.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I have, however, continued to feel remarkably well. As this was the main – nay, the only – reason I moved down here, I cannot complain if a few other things aren’t going quite as I expected. I have been able to get out and about a lot, and have been able to do a fair bit of walking. There is a large area of old pasture-land across the road from me (see photo, if I manage to upload it), which is good for walking; this is one of the most significant differences from where I lived before: that I can literally walk out of my door in to fields. This was my desire when I first thought of moving out of London, but then practical considerations, such as being able to get to shops and amenities, and socialising, came in to play, and I settled on moving to a small town. But the location I’m in is, thanks to the little circular bus route which goes past my road, easily within reach of the town centre while being effectively, from the point of view of the environment around me, in the countryside. I really do feel that this environment is going to give me just about the best chance I can have of recovering from this illness.<br> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I’ve completely avoided christmas for quite a few years now, as I find it (a) meaningless and (b) incredibly stressful, so celebrating it with my sister and her family will be a rather strange experience, although I’m sure this will be in a good way. Whatever you’re doing, and whoever you’re with, I hope you have an enjoyable day.</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/into_a_new_year~3570074/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsliving-environmentchronic-fatigue-syndromecfsmechronic-fatiguehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/into_a_new_year~3570074/#commentsLiving la vida ruralhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/12/13/living_la_vida_rural~3438907/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-12-13:/2007/12/13/living_la_vida_rural~3438907/Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:10:06 +0100 <p>My move went extremely smoothly, apart from an obligatory trio of catastrophes which struck in quick succession: I lost the keys to the hired van, got a parking ticket and then pranged it! At that point I was starting to think I was headed for disaster, but everything else went like a dream, and I got into my new place at 10pm. Moved all my stuff in the next morning, and was already 'in' by the next day, in that I had enough unpacked and enough furniture set out that it already felt like a home rather than a warehouse.</p> <p>I have felt extremely relaxed and very well so far, and haven't suffered any sort of setback through the effort and stress of the move. I do feel that I am now in the right place for me, and am adjusting to country life. The total lack of buses on a Sunday will take some getting used to! Have started to make a few contacts, but have been quite busy slowly straightening out my home and exploring the area, so haven't had too much time yet to find friends. I haven't yet felt lonely, although the lack of things to do in the evening is a big change for me. It'll be good to slowly find out what's going on in the local community.</p> <p>Having my sister and her family nearby has been a lovely new part of my life, and with my parents now not too far away, I'm starting to have more contact with my family than I have done for many years.</p> <p>I do feel that this move has given me the new lease of life I hoped it would, and a far better chance of getting back to full health.</p> <p>I don't yet have internet access at home, which is why this is the first post for ages. Posts are likely to be soporadic until after the new year. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/12/13/living_la_vida_rural~3438907/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsmecfschronic-fatiguehealthhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/12/13/living_la_vida_rural~3438907/#commentsGetting ready to gohttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/22/getting_ready_to_go~3336325/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-11-22:/2007/11/22/getting_ready_to_go~3336325/Thu, 22 Nov 2007 16:46:48 +0100 <p>I’m sitting at my desk (a temporary one, as I have sold my main one because it is too big for my new place), surrounded by cardboard boxes, with only a day and a half before I leave this flat, in which I have lived for 8 years, and London, in which I have lived for even longer.</p> <p>I feel very lucky because I seem to have found the ideal location – a converted stables in the countryside on a bus route to the nearest town (which is very small, but with lots of good shops and facilities, and seemingly a lot of life for its size), and good connections to the nearest city, and even back to London.</p> <p>I'm amazed that I've stayed well in spite of being so busy, but I think part of it is because I'm so much looking forward to this change that it's giving me energy. Also because I simply have to stay well in order for this move to happen, and might get some pay-back from this after I arrive. While I hope that doesn’t happen, and will do what I can to prevent a setback, I’m prepared for it as an acceptable price for moving to this new location.</p> <p>I really do feel that this move will be an important part of my recovery, and feel extremely positive about possible outcomes for me once I’m there. I probably won’t have internet access for a while after moving in, but will write more from the other end when I’m back on-line. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/22/getting_ready_to_go~3336325/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatigue-syndromeliving-environmentchronic-fatiguecfsmecfshttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/22/getting_ready_to_go~3336325/#commentsBack on-linehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/back_on_line~3264568/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-11-08:/2007/11/08/back_on_line~3264568/Thu, 08 Nov 2007 14:07:25 +0100 <p>It's been an action-packed few weeks while I've been without internet at home: in that time, I've finally found a place to move to - a lovely converted stable in a very quiet location (see photo). I've been sorting through my stuff, getting rid of things I no longer need or which won't fit in to my new place, and have booked a van and driver and arranged a leaving London do. The excitement of it all has helped me to stay on top of it health-wise, although I sense I might have a bit of a crash once I arrive. I'll post again over the weekend.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/new_home/2129442" title="New home"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/442/2129442_6ccbffd0b1_m.jpeg" alt="New home" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/back_on_line~3264568/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsmechronic-fatiguecfschronic-fatigue-syndromehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/back_on_line~3264568/#commentsDiphttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/24/dip~3032905/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-09-24:/2007/09/24/dip~3032905/Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:37:34 +0200 <p>Oh dear, not feeling so well at the moment. It really took it out of me to travel down and look at this flat, and make the decisions I needed to make. I'm also feeling quite down, and it's left me feeling less confident about finding somewhere, as there are very few places available and I'm not sure about my abilities to deal with the things which need dealing with.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/24/dip~3032905/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatigue-syndromecfsrelapsechronic-fatiguecfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/24/dip~3032905/#commentsA very stressful experiencehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/22/a_very_stressful_experience~3021133/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-09-22:/2007/09/22/a_very_stressful_experience~3021133/Sat, 22 Sep 2007 09:26:53 +0200 <p>This week I travelled down to view a flat; the first one I've actually been to see. We'd found it in the local paper the weekend before and my sister, who lives close by, had already been to see it. She thought it looked suitable for me. However, when I saw it I it felt too small for me; first, because I'll be spending most of my time in the flat, especially when I am less well, and so I'll need a place in which I can spend large amounts of time without feeling cramped, and second, because I have a lot more stuff than could fit in that flat. The other problem is that it is on a busy main road: not too bad as far as my sister was concerned, but when I was there the noise of the traffic quickly started to make me feel quite ill. There were lorries thundering past every minute or two, and I really don't think I could live with that; it's what I'm trying to get away from, only even more severe than I have at the moment. </p> <p>I'll write more about how this process actually made me feel, because that's interesting, but the hardest thing was trying to make a decision at all, especially when there was the pressure of taking the flat if at all possible as I am desperate to move as soon as possible, balanced against gut feelings of this place not being right for me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/22/a_very_stressful_experience~3021133/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatigue-syndromecfschronic-fatiguecfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/22/a_very_stressful_experience~3021133/#commentsWhat a feeling!http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/13/what_a_feeling~2974784/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-09-13:/2007/09/13/what_a_feeling~2974784/Thu, 13 Sep 2007 18:24:27 +0200 <p>I feel exhilarated right now. This afternoon, as it has been such a beautiful day, I made the effort to go to the lido which has just reopened in an area not too far from where I live. I only found out about it a few weeks ago from friends who have been using it. What a joy! There are so few pools left in my area of London; the nearest 'proper' swimming pool – i.e. not a fun pool – is a long a tiresome bus journey and is always full of schoolchildren. While I think it's wonderful that children are given plenty of opportunity to swim, there is something peculiar about the acoustics of swimming pools which makes the ebullient noises of children even more difficult to bear than usual (see posts passim on problems with sensory input). I have therefore found it too difficult to swim there, and haven't swum for almost 2 years.</p> <p><img src="http://www.vvillovv.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/lido.jpg" alt="London Fields Lido" title="London Fields Lido"><br><br>On a day like today, nothing could have been more perfect than swimming in a lido. It's only a shame I could do so little, as the feeling of being suspended in water is something wonderful, and swimming is an activity I had always enjoyed immensely. (In fact, when I use a visualisation exercise in relaxation, the 'special place' to which I retreat has a beach – tropical, of course – and I always go swimming in the sea, which transports me to a more relaxed, happy, powerful state of being.)</p> <p>Just one possible problem: I had said to myself that I would limit myself to two slow lengths with a break in between. However, the pool turned out to be Olympic-sized (50-metres). In the end, I simply wasn't able to resist swimming back for that second length, as being in the water was such a wonderful feeling. I am now feeling quite pooped – dizzy, hot-headed and trembly. I am telling myself that this is just the effects of deconditioning/lack of fitness and not a sign that I have over-stressed my system and that it will not lead to a set-back. For one thing, I want to get back to the pool next week!</p> <p>I had a stressful and upsetting session with my occupational therapist yesterday. Stressful and upsetting because of my reactions, not because of anything bad she did. I'm going to try to post something about that in the next day or two, because it will help me to think through why I found it so difficult. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/13/what_a_feeling~2974784/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>graded-exercisecfschronic-fatigue-syndromegraded-activitychronic-fatiguecfsmehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/13/what_a_feeling~2974784/#commentsMinding the mindhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/06/minding_the_mind~2935924/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-09-06:/2007/09/06/minding_the_mind~2935924/Thu, 06 Sep 2007 18:21:02 +0200 <p>A bit of a corny title, perhaps, but apt in a way. Or rather, two ways.</p> <p>I’ve posted before about the mindfulness meditation which I’ve been practising (on and off) over the past 3 years – see <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/07/11/stop_and_continue_stopping%7E2614269">'Stop. And continue stopping'</a> – and want to add some further thoughts. I’ve finally, this week, managed to get back in to regular meditation practice, for a reason that I’m quite proud of: I’ve finally managed to get some help in learning how to use the mixing desk software I have, and so have been able to put together a CD with a chime from a Tibetan singing bowl every five minutes. This won’t mean much to someone who hasn’t tried meditating (and especially someone who hasn’t tried to do it on their own), but it is immensely helpful to have something to remind you to move from one stage of the meditation to the next. The meditations I practise are, as I mentioned before, forms of mindfulness meditation, and each have a series of stages which help you to subtly shift the focus of your awareness, and this helps to heighten your awareness of your experience in that moment. Having this CD that I can now play has been just the impetus I needed to get me back in to the habit.</p> <p>Meditation of this kind does help you to quieten the mind, but I don’t think that’s exactly the point. In fact, it’s apparently best to approach it as if there were no point to it whatsoever – when I was sitting (meditating) just now, I noticed myself start to think “It would be really useful to write up what I’m feeling now on my blog for future reference” and then tried to gently take my focus away from that, because that drive to be constantly on the move and to do/achieve things is one of the things I want to become less of a factor in my life.</p> <p>I said it was a way of ‘minding the mind’ in two ways: first, becoming more aware of the mind (and body, of course) and ‘paying it more mind’, and second, and following on from the first, looking after the mind. I have found in the past, and am looking forward to rediscovering now, an increased sense of being ‘in tune’ with my body and mind, and therefore of more naturally doing the things which I need in order to be well. I don’t fully understand how this works, but it does seem to. As I said before, it was only when I started meditating that many of the principles I’d learned during CBT sessions started to make any sort of experiential, rather than merely intellectual, sense.</p> <p>I'll write more on this theme as my practice develops.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/06/minding_the_mind~2935924/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cfsmemeditationmindfulnesscbtchronic-fatiguecfschronic-fatigue-syndromehttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/09/06/minding_the_mind~2935924/#commentsThe value of real resthttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/the_value_of_real_rest~2893954/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-08-30:/2007/08/30/the_value_of_real_rest~2893954/Thu, 30 Aug 2007 09:47:43 +0200 <p>I had another interesting and challenging session with the occupational therapist yesterday. Reviewing the daily activity diaries I’ve been keeping for her, we see that I’m definitely making progress. I’ve been able to do what seems to me, considering how my life has been over the past few years, a staggering amount of things: work-type/mental, outdoor/physical, social, trips, etc. I am definitely feeling more in control of my daily life and my condition now than I was 3 months ago. One area I have not yet nailed is that of getting sufficient rest and, specifically, relaxation throughout the day in order to ‘top up my batteries’. I tend to get engrossed in one task and carry on doing it for longer than I ideally would; I have got better at that over the past few weeks, but what I then tend to do is, rather than getting some rest to help me cope with the activity I’ve just been doing, I fritter away time and, more importantly, energy, either playing on the computer (writing emails, surfing the internet, chatting on a message board, etc.) or just watching TV or reading – displacement activities to quell what I think is an underlying sense of boredom and restlessness. The real value of regular rest and relaxation – that it helps to sustain levels of better health, which allows me to continue doing those things I enjoy doing – is finally starting to sink in, I think, and this should help me to prioritise rest rather than seeing it as something which I’ll do if I don’t have anything else to do.</p> <p>I was also given some new tips on improving my sleep. I’ve not found the so-called ‘sleep hygiene’ approach helpful before, but these tips were similar in nature (and might be blindingly obvious to a lot of people) in that they were ways of preparing the body and mind for sleep. A sort of Pavlovian response thing. Frankly I’ve never had ways to prepare myself for sleep; throughout my life I’ve dealt with the problem by making myself so tired that it was impossible to stay awake any longer. (I think there’s an element of the restlessness/fear of boredom that I mentioned above in this.) I’d love to have a different relationship to sleep. So an hour before I wanted to be asleep last night, rather than slumping in front of an extra hour’s TV, I had a hot shower, got into bed, read an easy book for a while and then switched off the lights and listened to my relaxation tape (now that really does produce a Pavlovian response in me, after the hundreds of times I’ve listened to it!). I did get to sleep in probably not more than half an hour (good going for me), and slept through until about 7 this morning. This is promising.</p> <p>So, two things for me to prioritise at the moment until both, hopefully, become second nature.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/the_value_of_real_rest~2893954/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatigue-syndromecfsmechronic-fatiguecfssleephttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/the_value_of_real_rest~2893954/#commentsGetting more tired againhttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/getting_more_tired_again~2864043/tag:tiredboy.blog.co.uk,2007-08-24:/2007/08/24/getting_more_tired_again~2864043/Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:57:02 +0200 <p>I am definitely getting a lot more tired at the moment. This has been happening over several weeks, so I think I can discount it just being a little blip. Have been having lots of trouble sleeping again (always a symptom), am having to rest a fair bit during the day (just came from an attempted nap) and find my mind dulled and concentration low all the time. I'll need to find ways to make sure I minimise this. Not very good at relapse prevention, in spite of the various forms of treatment I’ve had over the years. At the moment I'm finding it difficult to think of things to write in this blog; for example I planned to write some material on my experiences with nutritional regimes, but simply can’t get my head around what to write.</p> <p>No news yet on moving out of the city; I can’t wait for this to happen. Am getting quite desperate for some peace, quiet and rest.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/getting_more_tired_again~2864043/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chronic-fatiguechronic-fatigue-syndromerelapsecfshttp://tiredboy.blog.co.uk/2007/08/24/getting_more_tired_again~2864043/#comments